No one cares what Shirou thinks
by Masked Doll Victoria
Summary: Illya and Sakura fight over who gets to date Shirou. Extreme silliness written for the Beast's Lair dare thread.


Shirou stood in the kitchen carefully preparing dinner with the careful precision he was known for. At his side stood Sakura Matou, free of the darkness that had gripped her very being for so many years she had found happiness at Shirou's side, living a simple life that cycled between attending school and spending many a blissful evening with her beloved senpai. As she carefully cut vegetables into small pieces, Shirou prepared the stew into which they would soon be placed. Truly theirs was a relationship based on an unbreakable bond of mutual trust and attraction, but, no matter how perfect it may seem on the outside within every relationship lies tinder that if sparked can set the entire world ablaze.

"So, I heard that Illya was visiting you again today." Sakura spoke in a matter-of-fact way.

"Taiga was busy so she sent Illya over to play for a while. She's a handful but it's always nice to have her around." Shirou smiled at his girlfriend, she was always sweet as could be. Taking interest in every little thing he did, though she was usually a bit more chipper then this.

"Do you remember what happened the last time Illya came over to "play?" Sakura's dicing sped up as the emotions boiling within her fueled the intense motion of the sharp blade held firmly in her left hand.

Shirou took a deep breath. He knew very well what had happened the last time Illya and he had "played " and Sakura knew it to. But he also knew that if he didn't answer her question there would be no fun times between them for a couple of weeks. "She used those mystic eyes of hers to paralyze me then proceeded to tie me up, strip me naked, and wrote "Property of Illyasivel Von Einzbern" on every inch of my body." Shirou spoke choking on his words at every step. In all it had been quite the embarrassing day.

"My point being, I think you should see Illya a little less from now on. She has a huge crush on you and you refuse to tell her you're not interested." Sakura had begun cutting at a insane pace, causing Shirou to worry the same motion may soon deployed on his most sensitive area should he choose not to comply with Sakura's wishes.

"I can't do that, Illya's like a little sister to me and I enjoy being around her. Besides, she's your friend to."

"Ok, ok, just make sure next time she visits just let me know so we can all hang out together. Sakura's murderous cutting quieted to a more subdued pace.

"Sounds good." Shirou nodded.

And through the power of compromise nothing of importance was lost via careful application of a kitchen knife.

***

"Onii-chan!" Illya yelled as she flew through the air her outstretched arms aimed directly as Shirou. The smallest Einzbern's aerial assault took her older by surprise, toppling him to the ground upon impact. Illya sat on Shirou's chest, her legs straddled across his waist, her face like that of a small puppy welcoming it's owner home in the waning hours of the day.

"Hey, Illya, could you please get off of me?" He would have added "Before Sakura saw them" but making Illya jealous was never a good idea.

"Aw... Ok." Illya sat up and dusted herself off with a smile. Shirou did the same, closing the door in which the small girl had flown through in the process.

"Sakura's going to be hanging out with us today. I thought we could all get lunch together." Illya began to pout almost as soon as Shirou stopped speaking. Though she didn't mind Sakura, she was intensely jealous of the fact that she was Shirou's girlfriend, a place she very much wanted for herself.

"But this is our time together, and you spend everyday with her anyway!" Illya had achieved a high level of pouting in her nearly two decades of life, making it all that much harder to resist when targeted at those lacking of will power in the face of all things small and cute.

"I know, I know. But she's worried I'll leave her for you or something dumb like that."

"Well why don't you then?" Illya asked such a horrible thing in as cute a way as she was capable of. "If she's expecting it I don't think you should let her down."

"That's not very nice, Illya. You know I'm dating Sakura and that's not going to change anytime soon." Shirou braced himself, entirely worried that saying such things would result in his being tied up again.

"That's very nice of you, Shirou." Sakura walked into the entry, having been listening from the kitchen the entire time, she was rather proud of her boyfriend.

"I'm not going to loose to you!" Illya yelled at the purple haired girl.

"But haven't I already won?" Sakura giggled.

Illya growled, anger seething through her veins like molten lava. "I'm gonna steal Onii-chan from you one day and you won't even know it!"

"I'd like to see you try!" Sakura's laughter grew louder, she was honestly having fun with all this.

"You've got it!" Illya's body began to radiate magical energy. Intending to end their conflict through explosive means, Illya smirked at her opponent.

Sakura in turn began to channel the power of the grail still dwelling deep in the seat of her soul. If Illya wanted a fight, she intended to bring her a war.

"Cut it out you two! Don't I get a say in this!?" Like so many generic harem anime lead's Shirou's words meant little when compared to the bevy of beautiful women who, for whatever reason, seemed to gravitate towards him.

"No!" Both girls said in unison. They then stared at each other for a moment that seemed to stretch out into infinity. Exchanging, intense, fiery gazes that could set the entire world ablaze, Shirou feared for the worst. Both girls possessed power enough to raze an entire city block the to the ground. To have them both locked in mortal combat was a disaster to say the least. Then, without warning, Illya began to laugh while Sakura soon joined her. Shirou simply stared at both of them with a confused look on his face.

"This is really stupid, isn't it? I mean we both love Shirou, right? There is no reason we should be fighting like this." Sakura laughed aloud, completely ignoring the fact that she had, for a second there, put dozens of people's lives at risk.

"Agreed. But I still want Shirou to myself once in a while." Though Illya had given up on ripping Sakura's throat out and making Shirou her personal plaything for all eternity, she would not budge an inch on having time alone with her Onii-chan.

"I'm sure we can work something out then. But lets just go get lunch for now."

"Ok!"

Shirou remained confused, but simply went along with all of this simply because saying or doing something wrong could lead to all sorts of awful things happening to him.

***  
All sorts of graphs, charts, and other documents lay spread out on the Emiya Manor's dining-room table. Pouring over them were Sakura and Illya, and their purpose was clear. Working out the details of Shirou's romantic ownership as to avoid destroying all of Fuyuki City anytime in the foreseeable future. It had taken six hours to come to this point, but it finally seemed as if a conclusion had finally been reached on the subject.

"So, as things stand I'll get Shirou on Monday, Tues, and Wednesday, while you get him Friday through Sunday. And during that time I'll officially be Shirou's girlfriend!" Illya said as she laid the finishing touches on an intricately devised chart depicting who Shirou belonged to at any given time.

"That should be fine, but what happens on Thursday?"

"We can either give Shirou the day off or share him. I guess we can switch between the to."

"That sounds like fun, we can go out to eat or to the movies together." Sakura was cheerful as ever. Even though it meant sharing her beloved Shirou with the small, snowy-haired girl, she couldn't be happier. It was better than being constantly jealous of her, after all.

"Then that's everything! Unless there are any objections from a certain someone..."

There would have been objections, however that "certain someone" currently sat in the corner tied-up and paralyzed by Illya's mystic eyes. And on his forehead was written, in big, black, letters, "Property of Illyasivel Von Einzbern and Sakura Matou."


End file.
